Mon: Duty for class-bonding.

Tues(TODAY): Walkathon/70rounds

Wed: Rehearsal?

Thurs: Training+discussion for cq

Fri: Hmm. I don't know. Most likely go buy stuff for CQ.

ZZZ.Good thing I was supposed to run today. Or I wouldn't have survived a 4km walk. Fine it's a walk, but it's still 4km. They said walk a bit further can reach suntec liao. WHOO.

So instead, we slacked around waiting for our ONE round around the lake. YAY~ So what we do. We sit, talk, play ball, get caught, sit and talk again. HAHAH. I lent my ball, no wait, my NETBALL, to guys, they kick and throw it in dirt and abandon it. Whee. I ought to save my really clean ball from guys. They kick until the dirt is UNBEARABLE.

I feel so so so dirty right now. From netball I mean. Gah. Why is the court (and the balls) so freakin' dirty?? Gosh, I completely suggest a Clean-the-Court-And-Netballs-And-Whatever session. We can save ourselves a lot of water and detergent from washing clothes so much. REALLY.

Talking about netball, I feel depressed.

Yeah whatever, I can play five positions.

I'm not particularly happy.

(I want to be able to play all seven. But if I'm not offered the chance, I guess five is good enough. )

Yet, who cares about that right now when I should be worrying about MAKING it into the team?!

There are wayyy too many pro people in the cca, and wayyy too little people allowed to play for the tournament/school. It's fun. It used to be JUST nice. Now, it's too many. Heck, everyone says I'll make it.

I'll die if I don't make the team.

But I'll die a harder death if I make the team, and am not put in.

Do you REALISE how freakin' big a giant insult that is?! To be a reserve, when apparently you're supposed to be able to play better than others? Oh yeah awesome. I can shoot, I can pass okay, I can run, I got the stamina, I got speed, I improved in my shooter movements BLAHBLAHBLAH. That's what everyone says. Okay, yeah, I get my hopes up. I make the team. Whoopee. Then? I go to EVERY match, EVERY training. So then? I sit at each game, watching them play. I watch others umpire. Whee. How great! All sarcasm intended.

I want to learn, I want the opportunities. If I'm stuck by the side, being a RESERVE, I'd rather not be in the team. You know? As I've said, too many people who are up to it. If you're abandoning me to one corner, being important only if I refill water bottles, score and take stats, I'd really rather someone else be up to it be there instead. I don't get to play all four quarters, but if someone else enters the team, and can play one or two quarters, let her in. KICK ME OUT. I'd still come for training probably. Unless I decide to swop CCA. But my friends there make it worth it. See? I'd take the feeling of rejection than have my hopes go up and get sent down crashing; BREAKING INTO A MILLION PIECES. What's the point? Out of approximately 28 quarters, I play 2. While the others play 20+. AHUH. While I'm supposed to be able to play. I don't get why I'm there really. Is it cos you guys need a runner and I just fit that bill? Gosh. I don't even want to show attitude, cos really: In what position am I supposed to show attitude? I can scold and kick and cry on this blog, but who listens? Who am I to tell them, hey, I'm supposed to be playing? You know, if you let me play 7 quarters, one in each game, I'd be contented. I don't want to be in the corner waiting for one of them to be injured or run out of stamina. It's the wrong reason to be happy to be able to play.

To quote a nice example, out of four quarters today (i think for trials for school team) I played one. Plus, it was the last one. Nice effort to put me in, no? While I see Joey playing 2, Jiale playing 2, Felicia playing 3 and a half, Jiehui playing I think all. Anna plays one and umpires the game. Others play all. Wow. Brilliant.

AND, my position was the slackest I suppose I could play. Goal Shooter. I'm limited to one third for running. Hmm. I got to talk to Blossom. The ball come already then I stop Blossom from running, I free up my space. I run when there's space. I get close to the pole, I shoot. I think I got all silent. Hmm. Nice effort I suppose. I felt happy playing. But really. GS? Last quarter? Not very willing to play me. Some trial. I didn't get blown for any breaking of rules. Most is one bad asking of pass. Apparently I had good shots. So explain. Maybe you confirm want me in team so don't want let me play? Wow. Or I sure cannot make it? Hmm.

I just feel resentful. Not specifically at the people. More specifically, myself. Maybe the lack of a FIXED position pushes me to be backup. Since I'm all-rounded, as reserve, I can prove to fill up nearly any position. When that person can't play. But, if I'm playing, and that person can't play, you can swop me to play what. See? I don't see the sense in being able to do something, yet being thrown aside like an abandoned toy. Like my D&T toy today.

I think netball's gonna eat me. I really want to go for training on thursday. But I have my chongqing discussion. Yet, if I skip that, I'll screw up. So I need to go for that. I guess I'll go half each. Cos I'm not willing to skip one of them for the other. I also want to know who makes the team.