I don't remember. Honestly, I couldn't remember if I intended to give a gift or not. I cried after that. I lost control. Knowing that I never made the effort to know you. After I went home, a tiny note I saw told me I really did intend on that gift. A tiny sliver of a memory of you. Thank goodness I saw that. It barely made me feel better. I hope you know we'll always been there for you.

I owe them an explanation. I know I do. I wasn't ready to talk at the table. I'm not ready now. I don't think I'll be ready ever. But I want to face the music. I'm sitting on the fence.

I'm naturally a reflective person. Sometimes I might sound harsh, or seem too indifferent. You might think I know what I'm doing, but the truth is I get caught in the moment. After I walk away, I think about what I just did; what I just said. And all of it boils down to my moment of selfishness. It's like arguing with my sisters and hitting them in a fit of anger, then after that when I cry, I realise that I shouldn't have. But I don't apologise, even though I regret it so much.

I really just lost control and cried there. Especially thinking about the problems.

The worst thing ever is knowing that in three weeks time, the seniors will officially step down. Nobody to rely on telling you: No, do it this way, it'll be better. Knowing that the secthrees and me: We'll be the ones people depend on. Aptly put by Eunice: The sectwos need us! And yes, definitely true. The understanding that I will need to carry a heavier burden in three weeks... It's scary. I can't tell if I'm looking forward to it or not. Now,I'm not doing my best. But I want to. I will. I want that to happen.

I think this post is all serious and heavy. I can't think of writing anything happy when something so big has happened. And I know, this post is so messy and disorganised. They are all linked but different at the same time....

On a light note, I'm back from camp and my back aches. And thanks so much to Yuki for being there. Kay,that's all I can write.

<33,hsintung.